


Search For Tomorrow (I'll Light The Dawn)

by Kawaiibooker



Series: V [3]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Bullying, Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Identity Issues, Japanese Culture, Kaz's Past Headcanon, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-TPP, Travel, Venom Headcanon, Vomiting (non-graphic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 19:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6163885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kawaiibooker/pseuds/Kawaiibooker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s been three years... I think we deserve a break, don’t you?"</p><p>Venom and Kaz take a much-needed vacation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 15th Nov 1987 (Narita Airport)

**Author's Note:**

> Set in late 1987; this is a direct sequel to [Learning to Stand (On Our Own Two Feet)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5443106/chapters/12579500) and [Let Our Shadows Fall Away (Like Dust)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5629042/chapters/12966085). Please read those first.
> 
> I made a mix for this fic here [[x]](http://8tracks.com/kawaiibooker/search-for-tomorrow-i-ll-light-the-dawn)
> 
> I wrote a PWP side-fic for this: [The Universe Begins (With Our Eyes Closed)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6261943/chapters/14348518).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> Kinako is Kaz's dog and christmas present from V, see [Coming Home (For Christmas)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5489939).

“That’ll be all, Mr. Williams. Have a nice stay in Japan!”

Collecting his passport and ticket, he replies with a tight nod and a polite smile. It pulls at his scarred lips; the employee’s eyes widen when he notices them, face paling. He suppresses a sigh, slings his backpack over his shoulder and walks away as casually as he can manage. The person behind him steps up to the counter, the employee’s nervous “P-passport, please” the last he hears before it’s too indistinct to understand.

He tries to keep his body language relaxed while he waits, but it doesn’t take long and he’s clenching his hands in the pocket of his black hoodie, hyperaware of the other passengers moving hastily along the broad corridor. Corporate travellers, families, lovers, backpackers – standing unseen in the shadowed corner, he tracks their baggage, their behavior patterns and body language, their interactions. One short glance is all it takes.

His neck prickles uncomfortably and he stiffens, but the approaching gait tells him all he needs to know.

“’Sorry, sir, I didn’t expect you to speak Japanese!’ What an asshole.” A pause, then there’s a tentative hand on his shoulder. “Snake? Hey, you okay?”

Venom shakes himself out of his daze, turning his gaze from the businessman talking urgently on his AMPS to the worried frown on Kaz’s face. “Hm? Yeah...” He hesitates, tries to decipher the conveniently placed sign above the exit. He can’t read any of it. “Where to next?”

Kaz studies him a moment longer, then checks the sign, making sense of it quickly. “Ah, over here. Just follow the yellow symbol.”

They walk at a leisurely pace, both tired and sore from the long flight. Against his habit to sleep through the time spent in transit, Snake stayed wide awake for the 12 hour flight, trying to concentrate on the book Kaz lent him a while ago – _The Soul of Japan_ by Inazo Nitobe, an essay on samurai ethics – but the constant noise of the strangers around them had distracted him enough that he gave up on it after the third page. He focused on Kaz’s breathing pattern after that, letting the familiarity of it calm his frayed nerves as the man snoozed beside him.

Venom breathed a sigh of relief when he stepped on solid ground again, glad to escape the oppressive proximity of so many people in close quarters.

Their way through baggage claim and customs goes by in a blur. The security personnel eyes them warily – taking in first Snake’s drawn-up hood to hide the shrapnel, the scars, the eyepatch; then it’s the skin-colored fingers of the basic prosthesis he equipped to be able to pass the security screening and finally Kaz’s visible limp and the aviators covering his eyes – but they let them pass without a hitch, leaving their military issue duffel bags unchecked. Kaz fills the time spent standing in different queues with a steady stream of conversation, explaining the history of the airport and translating information boards and ads with ease. Snake listens silently, soaking in the soothing quality of his voice; it takes his mind off the constant movement around him, at his back, in his blind spot – too many people moving in and out of his field of view. He finds himself reflexively covering more of Kaz’s vulnerable back.

It’s only when they step out of the large building and leave behind the busy crowd that the tension inside him abates. Venom takes a moment to enjoy the view of the cloudless blue sky and the cool breeze that plays with the loose fabric of his hoodie; he breathes in the air that smells different, although he can’t pinpoint why.

“Better?”, Kaz asks and only then does Snake notice he has fallen silent. It’s odd that that obvious detail slipped his attention – he’d been too busy assessing his surroundings, discarding his partner as a potential threat instantly.

Venom hums and shifts his weight to bump shoulders with him, a silent apology. “I didn’t expect so many people.” It sounds stupid – _of course it’s going to be crowded at an international airport_ – but he hasn’t set foot into civilian territory since he woke up in Cyprus and... well, the hospital hadn’t exactly been peaceful, either. Snake has simply forgotten what it’s like to see the world outside of the simple threat or no threat binary he needs in the field.

“I figured. You get used to it.” Kaz smiles and reaches for his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Then he checks the time, cursing quietly. “We missed the 9 am shuttle to Tokyo, so we’ll have to wait for the next one. Wanna have a look around?”

Venom nods and motions for the other to lead. They make their way around the large parking lot, passing by colorful shops and smaller groups of people waiting for their next connection under the roofed sidewalk. They settle for an unoccupied bench in the mild autumn sun, dumping their bags and backpacks on a pile beside it. Feeling the missed sleep and jetlag in his bones, Snake sits down heavily. He throws his partner a quizzical look when he doesn’t follow suit. “Kaz?”

“I’ll go change some cash and grab us something to eat.” Venom makes to stand and accompany him, but Kaz waves at him to stay put. An uneasy feeling spreads in his gut and he opens his mouth to protest. A stern glare shuts him up. “This is Japan, V, not Afghanistan. Relax, alright? It won’t take long, I saw a konbini just around the corner.”

Snake huffs in response. “Fine. What’s a–“ But Kaz is already gone.

*

The idea for the trip came on a stroll through the newly-extended R&D Platform. They took the dogs with them, figuring they could use a walk anyways. DD and Kinako were ecstatic, eager to spend time together and with both their masters – a rare occurrence, all in all. They smiled as they watched the dogs play.

“I miss Japan”, Kaz had said, eyes locked on his now fully grown Shiba. He seemed surprised at his own admission and tried to distract from it, commenting on the friendly scuffle in front of them: “I hope your wayward mutt knows how to treat a lady.”

He didn’t correct his previous statement, though. Venom decided to humor him for the time being, observing the way DD made sure not to be too rough with the more delicate Kinako. “Even if he didn’t, she can hold her own in a fight. He learned that the hard way.”

They went on for a while, crossing the walkway connecting the platforms. They were alone, trailing behind the dogs that raced ahead, happily barking and tackling each other to the ground.

Snake eventually broke the silence, jolting Kaz out of his thoughts when he linked their arms. “Japan, huh? Getting homesick?” He kept his tone light in an implicit offer to drop the subject, knowing he had to tread carefully when it came to his partner’s past – most of all concerning his ambivalent relation to his home country.

Kaz stayed relaxed, though, leaning into their connection with a pensive hum. Offer recognized and declined. “’Homesick’ is not the right word, but... I haven’t been back since I left for Colombia. I keep wondering if– I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Outer Heaven is my home, now.” His tone was final, case closed.

Snake mulled his words over, a plan forming in his head. “Operations have been slow lately, nothing Ocelot and the units can’t handle on their own...”

“It’s not like we can just drop everything and take a vacation, V. It’s fine, forget I said anything.” Kaz was starting to tense, but Venom was already running through the logistics in his mind. It was definitely possible – they _did_ have substitutes in place for emergency scenarios, trusted recruits that have been with them since the very beginning – they only had to keep the trip short. A week, maybe ten days maximum.

He comes to a halt and Kaz stops, too. “We could, Kaz. Diamond Dogs can take it. It’s been three years... I think we deserve a break, don’t you?”

Again, there’s that surprised expression on his partner’s face. He makes a non-committal noise, eyes turning distant behind his aviators. “JASDF has their borders locked tight, though... We’d have to go through a commercial airline to get there – that means fake passports, stripped down prosthetics, no weapons or back-up of any kind – and somehow manage to keep your face off the radar of national security at the same time.”

“We’ve beaten worse odds before”, Snake supplied idly, pleased that Kaz was thinking about it in earnest – there’s no mistaking that calculating look, the same one he wore when he scheduled duty rosters and meetings with potential clients. He quelled his unease at going into a foreign country practically naked – it’s a worry for a later date. “I’ve never been to Japan. Do you think we could go eat sushi? Or maybe try out Japanese sweets...”

Kaz blinked and laughed, momentarily distracted from his calculations. “Two words: Japanese curry. That’s where it’s at. Everything else is good, too, but don’t get me started on– Wait. I see what you’re doing.” White eyes narrowed suspiciously at Venom’s innocent smile. Kaz breathed a long-suffering sigh, rubbing at his temple. “Bastard. I didn’t agree to anything! Do you know how much getting those passports alone will cost? And the flight? Besides, what about Mother Base? Yeah, sure, you can get away with being gone for a while – the soldiers are used to that – but this place would turn to chaos without me!”

Snake coughed to hide his laugh, smart enough not to state the obvious while Kaz continued to rant. He started to walk, tugging on their still-linked arms and after throwing him a glare, his partner followed, setting a brisk pace.

Only two weeks later, Venom found the documents – a pair of plane tickets, matching IDs and a blank form to apply for shore leave from the 14th to 22nd November – placed neatly on his pillow.

*

“What are you smiling at?”

Venom straightens up, blinking away the memory. “Nothing, just thinking.” He accepts the bag Kaz offers him and opens it, peeking inside curiously to see a round food in a plastic packaging. “What’s this?”

“Onigiri. Try it, it’s good.” Kaz takes the free spot beside him, leaning back and crossing his legs in a relaxed sprawl. He’s already munching on a rice ball, breathing a pleased sigh.

Snake bites into his own food, the taste of rice, seaweed and something else blooming on his tongue. _Salmon?_ He chews slowly, taking his time to catalogue the experience. Determining that he likes it after a few seconds, he asks: “Is it some kind of Japanese fast food?”

Kaz snorts. “To put it in American terms, yes. Only a lot healthier. Here, I got you a second one. Salt and sesame.”

They eat in companionable silence, sitting close enough that their knees touch. Venom watches the coming and going of the travelers around them, picking up on small details he hadn’t noticed before: A father’s smile when he sees his children, arms stretched wide in preparation for the tight hug that follows. Confused tourists asking for help from a woman in a meticulous suit, her serious expression lighting up as she nod politely and points them in the right direction. The laughter of two people walking past them, their mirth palpable even if he can’t understand the language.

Taking the last bite of his meal, Snake leans back, brushing shoulders with Kaz as he mirrors his casual posture.

“So, where are we going?”, he asks, letting his gaze roam over the distant city scape he can barely make out on the horizon. A muted sense of excitement replaces his earlier anxiety; it only intensifies when Kaz tangles their fingers together, drawing his attention back to him.

His questioning glance meets a fond half-smile, Kaz’s eyes soft when he replies: “Hotel first. I got something in mind for tomorrow – something special – but it’s a surprise.”

“You’re letting me run into this blindly, aren’t you?” Venom sighs heavily without really meaning it. If there’s one person he’d follow without hesitation, it’s Kaz – trusting him comes as easy as breathing.

The other’s smile turns into sly smirk. “You were the one who insisted on this trip, now live with the consequences.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's roadtrip time with the boys~
> 
> There's going to be 7 chapters, each highlighting a specific aspect of their trip day by day. The rating may vary (as will the tags) but I'll put up warnings if that's the case.


	2. 16th Nov 1987 (Nara Park)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro. Japanese dialogue also by candeloro.
> 
> There's now [fanart](http://kelz313.tumblr.com/post/144309016538/for-kawaiibooker-venom-snake-feeding-a-shika) for this chapter by [Kelz313](http://kelz313.tumblr.com).

_「お母さん？起きてる？」_ _he calls, standing in front of the door to their shared bedroom. There’s no immediate response – it isn’t uncommon, she has been sleeping more and more lately – so he slides the_ _shōji_ _open slowly, wincing at the too-loud grating of wood on wood._

_Light falls in and illuminates the small room. He can barely see the outline of a person lying in the futon that’s tucked into a corner, the sound of labored breathing carrying in the eerie quiet. He tip-toes around the table covered in dirty dishes, side-stepping the discarded clothes on the floor as he makes his way to her. He makes a mental note to tidy up later, after he closes up shop downstairs and finishes his homework for tomorrow._

_His mother twitches awake, blinks up at him for one hazy moment before she smiles sleepily in recognition._ _「_ _お帰り。どうしたの？_ _」_

_「 ただいま。」he answers reflexively. She doesn’t look angry that he woke her; even so, he feels instantly guilty. The well-known worry flares up now that he sees how pale she is, how lean her face has gotten despite his best efforts to care for her. Admittedly, the food he cooks doesn’t taste as good as hers but he thinks he’s finally getting better at it._

It won’t be enough. _He swallows and pushes the thought away._

_He didn’t come to bring her food, though, not yet – he reveals the book one of their customers, Mr. Ryan, lent him today: A worn copy of a travel guide to Japan. His finger is stuck around the middle of it, marking the page he wants to show her. It’s the same one Mr. Ryan showed him earlier, wishing him and his mother well with a kind smile and a wave of the newly-purchased cigarettes when he left. He’ll come back tomorrow, as he always does._

_His mother squints at the black-and-white picture that covers both pages: Deer stand grazing in front of a large temple structure, seeming huge in size although he knows it could just be the perspective. It’s titled ‘Nara Park’, the Japanese name written in brackets below it. A short description on the bottom says the picture is from 1953, only four years old._

_「鹿に触ることが出来るってライアンさんが言ってた。お母さん、体調よくなったら奈良公園へ行こうよ！」_ _Mr. Ryan also said that the deer were sacred and maybe something inside him hopes they will protect his mother from the illness, a feat he hasn’t managed in the past year._

 _Again, there’s that tired smile on his mother’s face. She sits up with what looks like a lot of effort, taking the book gently from his hands to leaf through it. 「お母さんはまだ奈良に行ったことないけど、とても素敵な場所って聞いているわ。奈良行き、覚えておこうね。」_ _He recognizes that tone – it’s the one she uses when they can’t afford something but she doesn’t want to disappoint him._ Let’s keep it in mind. Maybe later. Not now.

 _He returns her smile even though he’s not supposed to lie and there’s nothing sincere about it._ It’s okay, _he tells himself._ There’s still time.

*

A wet nose nudges his hand. Kaz barely has time to react before he feels a powerful tug on his trench coat, followed by the tall-tale sounds of flat teeth chewing fabric.「 おい、やめろ！」 he hisses, tearing the sleeve out of the deer’s mouth as gently as he can. A woman throws him an admonishing glance as she walks past. Kaz’s responding glare is hidden by his aviators and he’s glad for it a moment later, knowing how rude he’s being. He sighs. The complex Japanese etiquette that used to be a second instinct doesn’t come to him that easily anymore.

A few yards away, Venom isn’t faring much better although he generally looks less bothered by the dozen shika deer crowding him eagerly, trying to get his attention with almost aggressive shoves and quick tugs of his faded denim jacket. It’s quite the opposite: He’s chuckling at their needy behavior as they eat the crackers they bought at the entrance to the park out of his hands. The weaker deer get pushed out of the way by the bigger and stronger ones, but Snake still finds a way to feed all of them in an honest attempt to please the insatiable animals.

Kaz shakes his head fondly at the sight – it’s exactly what he hoped for when he planned their stay in Nara. They already visited the other sites he was eager to see – the Tōdai-ji and other, smaller temples in the vicinity – before they came here, knowing that the animals would be more active closer to sundown. _Maybe a little too active_ , he thinks to himself as he has to save his coat yet again, pulling it around himself tighter.

He doesn’t want to cut his partner’s fun short, but his bad leg is killing him after the long day of walking half across the city. “V!”, he calls to him, but Snake is too distracted to listen, now trying to take photos without losing his grip on his treasured reflex camera. Kaz makes his way towards him, careful not to be too rough with the deer. He doesn’t want to aggravate the locals further.

“Vincente”, he says once he’s close enough, wincing at the way Venom snaps to attention before he spots him and relaxes again, holding his camera up and out of reach of the greedy mouths surrounding him. This only makes the animals more determined to get to it.

“Maybe the food was a mistake.” He doesn’t sound regretful at all, only amused as he pets one of the gentler does nipping at his free hand. His gaze flicks over Kaz’s slightly hunched posture. He starts pushing away the deer with limited success. “They won’t let me leave...”

Kaz snorts and reaches for the camera with his flesh hand, watching the way it sways precariously. He doesn’t trust his prosthetic with something so valuable, least of all the basic model he’s wearing. “C’mon, give it to me. They’ll break it at this rate.” Snake complies and their fingers brush, the touch lingering a moment longer than strictly necessary. There's a warm look in his eye.

Kaz gives him a smirk in response. If he’s honest, he had been tempted to call off their plan the moment they had settled into their hotel room – the realization that he had Venom for himself for an entire week hadn’t fully registered in his mind until that point and it had been exceedingly difficult to keep himself from jumping the man instantly. Despite this – or maybe because of it – they had taken an hour longer to ready their backpacks and set off in the morning. Kaz’s body isn’t sore _just_ from the strenuous sightseeing.

It takes a few more stops to pet and bribe the deer with food to get out of the park. Entrusted with Venom's camera, Kaz uses it to take a few pictures of the park, of the elegant architecture of the temple and the vibrant colors of the autumn leaves; he sneaks in a photo or two of Venom’s content expression, of the half-smile he only shows when he’s genuinely happy. It’s only now that he notices how rare it is at home – where the mantle of Big Boss is waiting for Snake once they return. He hates that there’s nothing he can do about it, no course of action available that won’t endanger their lives and the lives of their soldiers at the same time.

Kaz shakes off the thoughts before he can get lost in them, determined to enjoy the things they can have and not lament the things they can’t. He focuses back on his partner, who's taking one last look at the animals, seemingly mourning the fact they can’t call in Pequod and fulton one or two specimens out.

“Did you know they’re sacred?”, Kaz says, hoping to get the point across that _no, you can’t fulton out sacred animals._ Snake blinks, a slightly guilty expression on his face telling him he guessed right. “There’s a myth that the god Takemikazuchi rode into the city on a white shika, protecting it from their enemies at the time. Because of that, the deer have been declared sacred more than a thousand years ago – that’s also why they can do whatever they want here.”

Venom hums, nodding to himself. “I was wondering why they’re free to roam the city. Is that Shintō, again?”

Kaz smiles in surprise, pleased that Snake had been listening when he explained the difference between the religions of Japan, most of all between the many schools of Buddhism and Shintō. “Yeah. Takemikazuchi is mainly attributed as the deity of war and martial arts; much like the one with the shika, the stories vary from place to place so it’s difficult to keep track of them...”

They walk under the towering Nadai Gate towards the city. Kaz’s limp gets more pronounced, he can’t help it: His leg prosthesis is less advanced than the one he’s used to, chafing at his scars and making the muscles in his thigh cramp. He’s starting to grit his teeth to keep his face blank when Snake steps closer, wrapping his arm casually around his waist. Kaz murmurs “thanks” under his breath and shifts a part of his weight off his leg. He tightens his lips to silence his sigh of relief.

Venom doesn’t comment on it, picking up their earlier conversation as if nothing had happened. “Where did you learn all this stuff, anyways?”

“From my mother and at school. I used to read a lot as a kid, too – went through every book I could get my hands on, fiction and non-fiction. I didn’t even care as long as I could dream of going there and seeing it for myself.” His mouth twists into a nostalgic smile, remembering how he’d read out his favorite scenes to his mother or showed her the most impressive pictures, if he was lucky enough to get an illustrated book from the troops. It never failed to make her smile, even when–

Kaz sighs. “Of course, I couldn’t get lost in them forever. It was in college that I picked it up again. One of the few joys of being a history major – you might not get anywhere in life with the degree, but at least you’ll know a bunch of random shit.”

Snake chuckles at that, stroking his hip idly. Kaz knows they should be more careful with public shows of affection – a fact that sadly hasn’t changed with their trip to the other side of the world, although the reasons for it are different – and yet he leans into the touch, snaking his own arm around Venom and under his jacket to pull him closer.

“I don’t think life plays by any kind of rules, Kaz. We both know that better than anyone.” Snake pauses, mulling that thought over before he shrugs, the movement jolting Kaz as well. “Who knows? Maybe that ‘random shit’ will save our lives somewhere down the line. I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

They go on in silence, enjoying the quiet night that has settled around them as they get closer to the city. Kaz is glad that Snake radiates heat like a furnace, keeping him warm when the temperature notably drops. He starts to look out for a restaurant, knowing for a fact that Venom will get grouchy if he doesn’t keep him well-fed. It’s one of the new things he learned about the other on their trip so far and it still amuses him to no end.

Once the streets get more crowded, it’s pretty easy for Kaz to tune out the people throwing the pair weirded-out glances, some looking positively scandalized. If having blonde hair and blue eyes is enough to warrant those in the past, the combination of both him and Venom – who probably looks pretty scary to civilians, not that Kaz is aware of it anymore – is sure to draw attention.

Venom on the other hand stiffens. His gait turns intimidating, almost predatory as to defend them from any kind of threat; Kaz knows he's struggling to turn off his soldier’s instincts, that's it's not easy after years in the field. He squeezes his hip to snap him out of it, pointing at a traditional-looking restaurant little ways into a side street and most importantly away from the bustle. “Look, they have narazuke. Wanna try it?”

It takes Snake a moment to focus on him, then he follows his line of sight. “What is it?”, he asks, his curiosity and the prospect of food distracting him from the people around them.

Kaz shrugs, letting his partner go to open the door to the restaurant. “A local dish with pickles, I think. I’ve only heard of it, never tried it myself.”

It had been his mother who had told him about it, that day when he’d shown her the guidebook. Her raspy laugh had made him smile – and the memory of it still does now, thirty years later as he finally gets to see the city they dreamed of visiting together. Watching Venom eat clumsily with the provided chopsticks, wrinkling his nose at the peculiar taste, he wonders if Yoshiko would approve of his company.

Something tells him she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nara Park is basically V's version of heaven honestly. [Check it out](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nara_Park). Just a heads up: Kaz's mother is called Yoshiko in this verse, since I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a name in canon.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Japanese translations:
> 
> お母さん？起きてる？- Mom? Are you awake?
> 
> お帰り。どうしたの？- Welcome home. What is it?
> 
> ただいま。- I'm back.
> 
> 鹿に触ることが出来るってライアンさんが言ってた。お母さん、体調よくなったら奈良公園へ行こうよ！- Mr. Ryan said that you can pet them. Once you feel better, we could visit it!
> 
> お母さんはまだ奈良に行ったことないけど、とても素敵な場所って聞いているわ。奈良行き、覚えておこうね。- I've never been to Nara, but I heard it's beautiful. Let's keep it in mind, okay?
> 
> おい、やめろ！- Hey, stop that!


	3. 17th Nov 1987 (Kyoto Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> The rating and tags have been updated for this chapter. Please check those before reading!

Medic wakes up. _The smell of fire and charred flesh, unbearable heat on his chest and face–_ A scream is stuck in his throat, the only sound he makes a strangled gasp. _Hands slippery with blood, the taste of copper and bile on his tongue–_ He throws off the covers, stands on wobbly legs, stomach roiling. _A girl engulfed by flames, then she’s gone–_

He heaves over the sink – hands clenched on delicate porcelain, eyes closed – and tries to breathe, harsh pants in the darkness that threatens to swallow him whole. Trembling fingers search for the light switch; Medic grunts, the sudden brightness assaulting his eyes. He squints, looks up–

Big Boss stares back. His eye is a flash of blue in a face drenched in red, black shrapnel curving like a devil’s horn from his head. The corner of his mouth twist into a smirk.

Reality slips through his fingers, his surroundings blur– _No!_ Something in him lurches, clamps down against the pressure on his brain. He moans in pain; his heart pounds against his ribs heavily, once, twice... Slowly, Big Boss recedes, leaving only Medic – no, Venom Snake – behind, shivering and sweating. He swallows with a wince, wipes saliva from his mouth, blinks to clear his blurred vision. His eye focuses on the man in the mirror: The same face, older, scarred, pale. Wide, mismatched eyes, one deep blue, one milky white.

The blood is gone but only temporarily; Venom knows that it’s only a matter of time until–

He shakes his head to clear his mind. _I’m not Big Boss_ , he reminds himself. He concentrates on his breathing, waits for his heartbeat to slow down. _I’m not Big Boss._ He washes his teeth, splashes water on his face, pulls back his disheveled hair into his customary pony tail; it’s routine, safe and familiar. Controllable.

_I’m not Big Boss._

Snake repeats it until it doesn’t sound like a lie.

*

_Click._

“22 5 14 15 13 19 14 1 11 5.”

_Click._

“Alfa Golf Quebec Sierra Romeo Victor Uniform India Tango Papa.”

_Click._

_Click._

_Click._

“Boss?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Huh. I expected Miller to cave in first.”

“...”

“What is it? Trouble in heaven?”

“How’s the base?”

“Answering a question with a question?”

“Ocelot.”

“Okay, okay, I’m not pryin’. Jeez, he’s rubbing off on you... No major incidents to report.”

“But minor ones?”

“There was a scout, but Quiet took care of him fast enough. Served as a nice little reminder that there’s still work to do even when you two are gone.”

“Hm. How is she?”

“Quiet? Happily lounging in her new room. Freaking out the other soldiers. Blasting pop music at 3 am. The usual.”

“And the dogs?”

“Well, DD’s being his usual mopey self without you. Nothing we can’t handle, though. Pequod’s been taking care of him and Kinako.”

“Pequod’s that bored, huh?”

“You told him to lay off the missions while you’re gone. What did you expect?”

“He needs the break, he said so himself.”

“After you bullied him into it, you mean.”

 “...”

“Anything else you need?”

“No. Give them my regards.”

“Will do. And Boss? Relax. Mother Base will be here for you when you come back.”

“Hm.”

_Click._

*

He’s on his third cigarette when he hears the shōji slide open behind him. There are muted steps on the tatami mat floor, then the same wood on wood sound, too loud in the quiet of the night.

Kaz doesn’t say anything and Snake doesn’t turn around, just continues to smoke out the window in measured inhales and exhales, leaning with his elbows on the wooden frame. He doesn’t enjoy the smoke – in fact he barely registers the bitter, chemical taste on his tongue – as much as that he needs the action itself, the repetitive motion keeping him grounded in the moment instead of lost in his thoughts.

“Nightmare?” Kaz asks eventually in a lowered voice, mindful of their many neighbors and the thin walls of the traditional ryokan they’re staying in. Venom nods and inhales deeply, counting to four before he releases the smoke into the night air. He watches it evaporate.

Kaz shifts behind him, the floor rustling softly under his weight. He doesn’t come closer and Venom is grateful for it. “Which one?”

It takes Snake a moment to answer. His grip tightens on the cigarette in his right hand; his left is useless right now, ending abruptly in an uneven stump and pounding away dully. Just an hour ago, he had been convinced his arm was still there, the sight of the prosthetic a shock to his system.

“Paz.”

It’s all it takes to make Kaz understand – he’s experienced that particular nightmare often enough. He accepts the answer with a hum. A minute passes. The butt of the cigarette joins the others in the cup that Venom’s misusing as an ashtray. He sighs, makes room for his partner to his left. The window frame presses against his arm.

Kaz follows the silent invitation, stepping into his field of view. Snake glances at him, taking in his sleep-tousled hair and the wrinkled sweatpants he’s wearing, recognizing them as his own. Normally, he’d tease him about stealing his clothes and receive a grouchy response in return, even though they both like it, like the simple domesticity of it. The way Kaz’s eyes flit over Snake’s naked face and his bare left arm, brow drawn tight in worry, reminds him that he’s not just enjoying a late smoke... That Kaz woke up to an empty bed and sheets clammy with sweat.

The thought makes his skin crawl; he doesn’t know if the sick feeling in his stomach is part of the aftermath or if it’s a testament to how close Big Boss is to the surface. He almost warns Kaz not to come too close, but swallows it down when his lover maintains a few inches of distance between them with a knowing look. The window is a tight fit for both of them, but they don’t comment on it.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Venom is shaking his head before he has time to really consider the offer. “Not now.” He puts the next cigarette in the corner of his mouth, fumbling with the lighter for a few seconds – he jumps at the careful touch of Kaz’s fingers against his. The other lets go once the small flame flares up between them, lighting the darkened room for just a second as Snake takes the first drag.

“Thanks.”

Kaz shrugs. “Is it helping?”

Snake tightens his lips, sucks in another lungful of smoke. “No, not really. Better than nothing, though.”

His lover winces at that. “If there would’ve been a way to get your cigar through the security check... The Japanese authorities are not very fond of, uh, ‘medicinal herbs’.”

Venom shakes his head. _It’s not your fault._ He offers his cigarette to Kaz, but his partner declines: “I’m good. You need it more than me.” He leans out the window to look outside, instead. Snake hesitates before he joins him, brushing shoulders as he settles back on his elbows.

It’s easier now to concentrate on the beautiful view: Their room faces the west side of the Kamo river. It’s high enough that, by day, they can make out the distant sprawl of Kyoto in-between the mountains surrounding the city. At night, the many lights reflect on the water’s surface, coloring it in blurry impressions of yellow and orange.

 _Like flames flickering over the ocean._ The stray thought throws him back to square one, makes him think of blue helpless eyes in a sea of fire and heat. Venom groans in frustration; he smothers the last embers of the cigarette with unnecessary force and rubs at his eyes, as if that could draw out the images bubbling up in his mind.

“Remember the Honnō-ji?”

Kaz’s question seems idle, as if he just caught himself thinking about something and wants to share it – but Snake knows him better than that. Nothing Kaz does is without meaning. He takes a deep breath and concentrates on the question, pushing aside the hazy memories.

Venom knows ‘ji’ means temple, but they’ve seen so many of those here that it’s difficult to pin down the one Kaz means. In the end, nothing comes to mind so he settles for a short shake of his head. Kaz doesn’t seem disappointed when he checks his reaction; his expression is mostly relieved because he’s going along with it.

“It’s one of the smaller temples. Dark wood, kinda hidden between more modern buildings? Somewhere around there.” He gestures to a point further upstream, little ways from the river. Snake hums, remembering it was one of their first sights of the day since it’s relatively close to their place.

“What about it?” he asks quietly, his voice scratchy in his throat. Kaz takes that as his cue to carry on.

“Back when Japan was split into different warring clans, there was a feudal lord called Oda Nobunaga. He wanted to unite Japan under one rule – his own, of course – and managed to take control of most of it by the 1580s. The other clans were weakened, busy with conflicts of their own and thus an easy target...”

Venom listens, watches him talk. Kaz has a tendency to fiddle with things when he’s telling his stories – he’s tipping the cup-turned-ashtray this way and that, eyes distant, mind caught in long-gone events – but his words are sure, easily breaking down highly complex situations for Snake to understand. Snake’s lips pull into a fond smile at the familiar sight; feeling more comfortable in his own skin, he leans his head against Kaz’s shoulder.

Kaz hesitates. “Easy target?” Venom repeats, prompting him to continue. Kaz makes a pleased noise, nuzzling his hair before he complies.

“Uh, so Nobunaga sees his chance to conquer the rest of Japan, right? He sends his best men to the other clans, to spy on them and invade them, if possible. He’s celebrating the fall of one of them, the Takeda clan, with his ally – a guy called Tokugawa Ieyasu, he’s important too but unrelated to this part of the story – when he gets the request to help out against the Mōri clan. Nobunaga accepts, and takes his most trusted with him – a samurai general called Akechi Mitsuhide.”

Snake huffs, interrupting him again. His words are muffled against Kaz’s shoulder. “You know I can’t keep track of all those names, Kaz.”

Kaz chuckles. “Sorry, sorry. The important ones are Nobunaga and Mitsuhide. But I’m getting to that.”

“Okay, go on”, Venom mumbles, wrapping his left around the other’s waist and pulling him closer. He presses his face against Kaz’s collar bone, breathes in his scent. There’s definitely a smile in Kaz's voice when he continues, caressing Snake’s cheek absent-mindedly instead of playing around with the cup.

“Anyways, the lord and his general stay in Kyoto to rest, at the Honnō temple, to be exact. What Nobunaga didn’t know is that Mitsuhide had been planning a rebellion – he probably wouldn’t have accepted the samurai’s troops at his doorstep if he did.”

“Didn’t expect the betrayal, then?” Venom asks, trying to picture the scene. The small temple wouldn’t provide much protection, less so if it’s only Nobunaga and his staff against an army of trained samurai.

“Nope, not even a little. See, Nobunaga was so focused on conquering Japan and defeating the other clans that he didn’t take the time to check his own ranks. Surrounded by Mitsuhide’s samurai, Nobunaga ended up killing himself, telling his servant to set the temple on fire so his remains would burn with it.”

The story finished, Kaz falls silent. They remain in their loose embrace, both lost in thought; Snake’s mind circles around the reason why he decided to tell him that specific one. Kyoto is old, practically drenched in history; it’s not for lack of choice. There’s more to the story than meets the eye.

“A coup like that... He risked his men and his life to kill his lord. Why?”

“It’s said Nobunaga used to threaten his subordinates, sending those whose performance wasn’t good enough to exile or worse.” Kaz’s fingers stop tracing the scars on his cheek. He pulls away, prompting Venom to look at him. Kaz holds his gaze steadily. “Maybe Mitsuhide didn’t want to wait until it happened to him, too. Maybe rebellion was the only way to secure his people’s future.”

“Kill him before he can kill you, huh?”

Kaz’s lips pull into a sharp smirk. “Why not? It worked for Mitsuhide.”

Venom mirrors his smile, then sighs. He leans his forehead against Kaz’s. “It’s a pretty high risk, Kaz.”

“That doesn’t make it impossible. Just gotta be careful, one step ahead of anyone else.”

“... Yeah.”

Kaz opens his mouth to say something else, but stops himself, lets the subject drop for now. Instead, he murmurs: “Come back to bed?”

Snake knows he probably won’t sleep, not after the dreams and subsequent relapse that had completely blindsided him. Now that he’s calmed down, he wonders why Big Boss had resurfaced so viciously in the first place when Venom had kept him under control for the longest time yet.

But he sees the gentle hope in Kaz’s eyes, the ever-present worry in the line between his eyebrows – and nods. _It’s at least worth a try._ Kaz nods, too, making to step away from him; Snake takes his hand and closes the remaining distance between them, kissing him softly, intimately.

It’s a silent apology for waking him up and worrying him like this, a thank you for staying with him despite it all – and a promise to keep his words in mind when they return to Outer Heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated comment: Kaz would either love [History of Japan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh5LY4Mz15o), or hate everything it stands for.


	4. 18th Nov 1987 (Kyoto Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro. Japanese dialogue also by candeloro.
> 
> Copious amounts of fluff ahead. Still a smol update to the tags, so check those out before reading!

Kyoto lies before him, bathed in the vibrant red and orange of the autumn leaves. The crisp morning air, the golden sunlight painting playful patterns on the gravel path: It’s something out of a commercial, a picture-perfect view that he’d been convinced didn’t really exist until now.

Not for the first time, it hits Kaz how little the images and blurred memories in his head match what he has seen of his home country in the last four days. Caught up in the daily chaos that is organizing and leading Diamond Dogs – and everything that happened before that – he seldom takes note of the passage of time... But here, the 17 years that came and went since he left Japan linger behind every moment it takes to remember the correct expression, every historic name and date he has forgotten, every Kanji he doesn’t recognize. It’s admitting “I don’t know” when asked what something is, even if it’s just an insignificant detail.

Kaz is startled from his musings when strong arms wrap around his waist. “What’re you thinking about?”, Snake murmurs against his shoulder, the words accompanied by the rasp of his beard against the worn fabric of Kaz’s trench coat. It calms Kaz’s instinctual fight or flight response, sets his rabbiting heart at ease.

Interlacing their flesh and bionic fingers, Kaz replies with his eyes on the sprawling city below: “I lost count how many times I’ve read about this view. To finally see it with my own eyes... It’s weird, unreal somehow.” Venom’s head moves to follow his line of sight, left thumb stroking Kaz’s idly. He’s listening. Kaz leans into his solid body, taking comfort in the fact that it’s just the two of them here. The shops along the way are still closed, the usually-crowded temple behind them deserted.

Kaz shrugs, turns half-way out of their embrace to look his partner in the eye. “You dream of something so long, it’s bound to be different in reality. _This_ Japan... In a way, it’s as new to me as it’s to you. I don’t know. It’s been on my mind, that’s all.”

Venom meets his gaze evenly, opening his mouth to answer–

「お母さん、見て！あの小父さんの髪、金色だよ！テレビに出てくる金髪の人みたい。」

A child’s excited voice cuts through the quiet of the morning. The little girl pointing at them is readily shushed by her mother who throws them an apologetic look before she quickens her step, hurrying past them. Kaz can’t make out her whispered reply, but he doesn’t need to.   _It seems things haven’t changed, after all._ He grits his teeth.

“Kaz?”

He tears himself away from the family and focuses back on Snake’s guarded expression. There's a silent worry in the tensed corners of his mouth, an unspoken question in his narrowed eye - Kaz shakes his head, stepping away from him. He turns his back on the view.

“Come on, let’s take a look inside.”

*

_“I went on a vacation to Kyoto”, Nao says. “I liked the many temples. My favorite was Kiyomizu-dera.” She pushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Her hand is trembling._

_He leans back in his chair, hitting his pen rhythmically against his half-finished homework._ Fuck _, he thinks._

_Nao is getting nervous, fidgety. She’s the quiet girl who always sits in the back, reading manga in class. “It was v-very beautiful. I liked it because...” He doesn’t need to look up to know she’s blushing, her face slowly turning blotchy and red. “It’s the temple of love. There’s a story behind it–"_

During vacation, I visited Kyoto with my mother. I liked the temples best _, he wrote on his own sheet of paper in his messy script._ She enjoyed the view very much.

_It’s all fiction, of course; thought up between hurried sips of his miso soup just this morning. He’s never been to Kyoto and he never will. The Kiyomizu temple was the first thing that caught his attention when he leafed through yesterday’s paper and he ran with it, throwing in a detail or two to make it seem more authentic._

_Their eyes meet._ You stole my idea. _She knows, too, knows he can read the lies between her clumsy sentences._ Takes one to know one.

 _He breathes a silent sigh to himself, dashing out his draft to start anew._ Where else can you go on vacation? _He already used Tokyo last year, so that one’s out of question–_

_「おい、金髪！」_

_A hiss right behind him interrupts his train of thought. He presses his lips together to hold back his instinctive reply, keeps his gaze on his homework as if nothing had happened. Up front, Nao finishes her homework recital and sits back down, her relief tangible. The teacher stands up, nodding at her with a strained smile and turns his back to the class to write on the blackboard._

_「なあ金髪！お前の母ちゃんはどう？元気か？」_

_He closes his eyes and counts to three, over and over again._ It’s not worth it. _Muffled laughter makes his hands clench to fists, blood boiling in anger._ Not worth it, not worth–

_「俺もお前の母ちゃんと一発やってみようか。どうだ？それとも外人フェチか？」_

_He thinks of the last time this happened, how ashamed his mother had looked when they told her her son had beaten up a kid in class. He’d refused to repeat the toxic words. Her disappointment he can take. Her guilt not so much._

_「ねえ、ねえ、一晩いくら？これで十分だろう？」_

_Something nudges his elbow and he turns his head reflexively. He regrets it the moment he sees the 500 yen coin, barely worth enough to cover this week’s lunch. Blue eyes flash; he jumps to his feet, the noisy clank of his chair toppling to the floor and the teacher’s alarmed voice drowned out by the rush in his ears._

Enough!

*

_Click._

Kaz is making sense of the signs pointing to different shrines and other sights in the vicinity when the familiar sound of the camera shutter makes him sigh instead. “Really? Another?”

He turns around to see Venom lower the camera, a forcibly innocent look in his eye. “Huh?”

The fact that he actually tries to fool Kaz should piss him off, _would_ piss him off – if he hadn’t done the exact same thing only two days ago. He’s not that big of a hypocrite. Thus, he keeps his voice carefully neutral: “You can just ask me when you want to take a photo, V. I’m tired of seeing myself spacing out on all of them, anyways.”

“Oh. I thought you didn’t like it, that’s why I...” Snake scratches his neck with a sheepish blink, cheeks flushing under his beard. “That doesn’t make it better, does it?”

Kaz throws him a judging glance. “Not really.” Still, taking into account that Venom’s photos are all from things he loves – his recruits, his animals, Mother Base – he can’t help but feel touched by the gesture. Thinking of the already fully-covered chopper and equally filled walls of his room, the question of  _where_ he wants to fit all the snapshots from the trip remains unclear.

Snake looks decidedly less relaxed than he did just a moment ago; without a distraction, the exhaustion of a sleepless night written in the deep shadows under his eye and the slumped set of his shoulders is more pronounced. Kaz’s gaze softens, the remaining annoyance forgotten as he steps closer to him. He takes his hand.

“Maybe you’ll get a good angle from up there.” He points to the shrine little ways up the hill to their left, one of the colorful signs on the gate reading _Jishu Shrine_. The others stating the exact purpose of the shrine he pointedly ignores, for the first time relieved Snake doesn’t understand Japanese. It’s a testament to how tired Venom is that he doesn’t ask for translations of the signs they walk past; he’s made a habit of that, admitting that he feels uncomfortable not knowing where he’s going if he can help it and Kaz doesn’t mind telling him, anticipating the question by now.

This time he’ll have to go without it, though - Kaz’ll never live it down otherwise.

The steep climb up the stairs leaves him a bit winded, his right thigh protesting again but he ignores it. The shrine itself is rather small compared to the elaborate structure of the Kiyomizu temple right beside it and yet, it’s popular enough to have a few visitors even this early in the morning. They all mind their own business, too busy with the different offerings of the shrine to take note of the two men crossing the small patio in measured steps. There, Kaz spots the family from earlier: The little girl is trying to look all the way up to the top of the shrine, close to toppling over with the effort while her mother’s trying to hide her laugh behind her hand.

A tug on his hand stops him in his tracks. “What did she say?” Snake motions to them with a subtle nod, his expression serious.

“She commented on my hair. Nothing I’ve never heard before, it just took me by surprise.” Kaz cracks a smile despite the reminder of what happened, quietly amused by the overly dark look on Venom’s face. If he didn’t know of his soft spot for kids, he’d be concerned for her – as it is, he just squeezes his fingers, walking on and past them. “I don’t think she meant it as an insult.” _Unlike others_ , he thinks. His smile fades. “Blonde hair is a rare thing here – nothing originally Japanese, so to speak – so it makes you a gaijin by association.”

“Gaijin... An outsider?”

He looks at his partner, blinking in surprise. “Well, a foreigner technically but it’s a term for outsiders, yeah, most of all people coming from the West. How come you know it?”

“Nitobe mentioned it in the book you gave me. Seemed like an important thing to keep in mind, considering...” Snake makes a gesture to his own looks, then shrugs. “I can see why it’s a big deal for him – he’s so focused on finding the essence of his culture that he needed a counterpart to define it with. Doesn’t mean that strict binary has to exist in reality, though.”

“And yet, it’s the most read book on what marks the Japanese ‘essence’. Go figure." Kaz is about to add more to that, but the sight of an old woman in the traditional red and white clothing of a shrine maiden opening up shop distracts him. She bows in greeting when she sees them, her gaze lingering on their linked hands for a moment before she busies herself with one thing or other behind the counter.

He lets go of Venom on reflex, following him silently as he steps up to the shop. It's tucked into a corner around the back of the shrine, the colorful display of the offered goods contrasting the dark wood around them. Snake inspects them before he throws Kaz a questioning look. Without missing a beat, he points to the paper strips hanging from the ceiling, “Those are omikuji or ‘sacred lots’”, then to the small wooden signs, “that’s called ema to write wishes to the gods” and finally to the little bags attached to a white cord, “and that’s an omamori, a kind of talisman for good luck. They’re all blessed by the shrine.”

The miko running the shop nods along to his explanations, pushing the respective objects towards them. Snake picks up one of the omamori, smiling at the miniscule birds stitched into the fabric. “For good luck, huh?”

Kaz feels his face heat up when he sees the particular version Venom has in his hand, the sign 恋 written on it. It’s attached to another one with the same design, in green instead of red. “U-uh, well, yeah.” The woman throws him a skeptical look. She opens her mouth to correct him, but decides to keep her silence at Kaz’s wordless headshake.

Snake remains oblivious to their little exchange, turning the bags around to look at the back. They are half the size of his hand, the odd combination of colors matching surprisingly well. “They’re cute. How much are they?”

“... 500 yen each.”

“Wanna get them?” Venom's hopeful expression is too much to deny, most of all with the miko’s gaze practically burning a hole through the back of his head. Kaz sighs, resigning himself to his fate as he fishes two coins out of the pocket of his jacket to give them to her.

She accepts the money with a sweet smile directed at Venom, motioning for him to untie them from the rest and then turns to Kaz with a mischievous glint in her eyes. 「気持ちを伝えたらどうだい？」

He doesn’t answer, just tightens his lips and bids her goodbye with a curt nod.

Venom holds the omamori out to him while they return the way they came, the street slowly filling with the usual amount of people, tourists and locals alike. “Which one do you want?”

It takes him a moment to decide between red and green, going for the first because the latter suits Snake’s eye color better. The fabric feels expensive against his fingers, the white stitching sturdy and yet detailed enough to show a couple of birds around the sign in the middle. It goes into the inside pocket of his trench coat, resting over his heart.

He takes the other and puts it in the front pocket of Snake’s denim jacket, his palm lingering over his chest when he catches his quizzical look.

“You gotta keep it close to your body or else it won’t work. We’d have to refresh them annually, too, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

Venom leans into the touch, laying his hand over Kaz’s. “Hmm, maybe not. Still, a year’s worth of luck is better than none.” There’s a happy glint in his eye, one that softens the rough edges left behind by the night before.

Kaz smiles. He forgets the people around them for a moment as he rests his forehead against Snake’s, murmuring: “Can’t argue with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR: Kaz is trash. Please google the shrine. Do it.
> 
> Anyhow, I'm really sorry for the long delay hnnnngng... First it was uni, then writer's block, you know how it is. Half of the fic lies behind us now, but the best is yet to come~ I can't wait to write it, hehehe. In the meanwhile, lemme know what you think? c:
> 
> EDIT: Fixed the mistake in Kaz's timeline...
> 
> Japanese translations:
> 
> お母さん、見て！あの小父さんの髪、金色だよ！テレビに出てくる金髪の人みたい。 - Mom, look! His hair is yellow, just like on TV!
> 
> おい、金髪！ - Hey, Blondie!
> 
> なあ金髪！お前の母ちゃんはどう？元気か？ - Blondie, how’s your mother?
> 
> 俺もお前の母ちゃんと一発やってみようか。どうだ？それとも外人フェチか？ - Maybe I should try a ride. What do you think? Or does she have a fetish for foreigners?
> 
> ねえ、ねえ、一晩いくら？これで十分だろう？ - How much is it for a night anyways? Is this enough?
> 
> 恋 - Love
> 
> 気持ちを伝えたらどうだい？ - How about telling him how you feel?


	5. 19th Nov 1987 (Yokosuka Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> Again, an update to the tags. Please keep those in mind before reading!

The landscape changes like a slide show, every look out the window a unique snapshot in the constant blur of distances crossed in high speed, fleeting moments there and gone in a blink unless one concentrates on holding onto them. They go by fields and dense forests, huge mountain ranges opening up to valleys and rivers, their route only accounted for in the names of the cities they pass. Without the depth perception only two eyes can provide, the velocity of the Shinkansen is quickly nauseating for Snake – he’s not focusing on the view but on Kaz, who hasn’t turned away from it ever since they left Kyoto main station, eyes flickering left to right in order to take it all in.

The natural light softens his strong profile, the subtle excitement hidden in the small twist to his lips erasing the marks of a troubled past. He looks so painfully _young_ this way, younger somehow than the cocky twenty-something he met back in 1972 whose grin was always a bit too bold, his laughter a bit too loud to be sincere: A mask to be replaced by others as time went on and the losses kept coming, the walls getting higher until resentment became his best and last defense.

Venom can see none of that, here; when he nudges Kaz’s knee with his own to draw his attention, that open expression doesn’t change. Kaz glances at him with an instinctive smile – and he realizes that _this_ is the man he fell in love with all those years ago, the person he could only glimpse in instants of shocking honesty. His first genuine laugh was all it took to shake him to his very foundation, to make him hopelessly crave what he couldn’t have back then.

It’s the same now, his heart fluttering in his chest and leaving him without words. Kaz tilts his head with an amused “What’s that look for?” at Snake’s star struck expression and his delayed answer – “It’s good to see you happy” – doesn’t seem like enough to convey the magnitude of what he’s feeling, even if it makes his partner flush ever so slightly.

“Isn’t that the point of a vacation?”, Kaz asks, the stubborn nonchalance in his voice so typical for him that Venom chuckles, reaching over the armrest between them to squeeze his thigh.

“It is.” He nods towards the window. “Anything interesting out there?”

“Mmhm. Shouldn’t be long until– Ah, there it is.” Even the aviators can’t hide the way Kaz’s eyes light up at the sight of Mt. Fuji in the distance, the stark white mantle of snow on its top standing out against the azure sky.

Under Snake’s hand, his leg tenses with the suppressed urge to sit up so Venom does it for him, leaning closer to the glass, prompting him to do the same. He hums, legitimately impressed.

“Never thought I’d see it for myself, honestly.”

He feels a warm palm over the back of his hand, Kaz’s fingers slipping between his own. His voice is lowered to a murmur, close to Venom’s ear. Intimate.

“Then I’m glad to show you.”

*

Venom breathes in the distinct scent of sea salt in the air, relaxing automatically to the sound of gentle waves lapping against metal walls. It reminds him of home. Outer Heaven.

“I missed this”, he mumbles to himself and doesn’t expect the absent hum beside him. Kaz isn’t looking at the calm ocean in front of them, though, but at the city at their back and for that Snake can’t blame him, regretting that he interrupted his partner’s thoughts in the first place as Kaz rights himself stiffly.

A smile slides into place. It’s not the one Venom loves.

“Come on, there’s a lot to see here. You’re probably tired of parks and temples, so maybe we can go see the _Mikasa_? It’s a famous battleship– No wait, how about Sarushima island?” He scratches at his neck and chuckles, a short-lived, nervous thing. “Also known as ‘Monkey Island’, you’ll love it–“

“Kaz.” Snake softens his tone, trying to calm down the almost hunted look in Kaz’s eyes. “I remember enough to know where we are. It’s okay.”

The other deflates with a quiet sigh, looks away. “Sorry. Coming back to Yokosuka sounded like a good idea when I booked the trip but–“

“It _is_ a good idea. I wanna see where you come from... if you’re willing to show me around.” Their gazes meet for a few long moments – then Kaz breathes in deeply and nods.

They walk silently at first, passing modern-looking buildings and freshly-paved promenades until they hit a busy shopping street leading further into the city. The facades are older here, some of the shop signs faded from the sun while other, newer ones conceal the stained marks of previous premises.

A group of chatting soldiers – their loud laughter and obvious American accent sticking out like a sore thumb – prompts a questioning look from Snake, one Kaz answers with a passing glance at the men: "Yokosuka's had a US military base since World War II. Most of the shops you see here started out to meet the demands of the troops. Making due with what we had, living off the war we lost... Wasn't much else to do, was there?"

Snake watches his face closely for any signs of discomfort. So far Kaz seems mostly pensive. A little distant. He presses on. "Doesn't sound like an easy life, sharing space with the enemy like that."

Kaz shrugs. "You got used to it. There were bigger problems to worry about... Us kids, we didn't know anything else. The troops were there when we were born and remained here when we went our separate ways."

"Hm. Why did you leave?"

He notices instantly that it's a more delicate subject, Kaz's brow drawing into a frown, the muscle in his jaw twitching as he clenches his mouth shut. A long silence follows and Snake waits for the inevitable, walking close enough that their shoulders brush every other step. _At least he didn’t dodge the question right away–_

"Because I didn't feel like I belonged here. I didn't feel or even _looked_ Japanese thanks to this", a clipped gesture to his hair, his eyes even now hidden behind tinted glass, "and I certainly wasn't eligible for citizenship, so why stay? There was nothing for me here, or that's what I thought back then."

Another lengthy pause. His following words are low and difficult to understand over the everyday noises around them: "The moment I held my father's money in my hands I knew I was going to leave, no matter what Mom had to say on it. I think she–“

Kaz suddenly falls silent, slowing his step and stopping in front of a run-down house dwarfed by the surrounding buildings, all a few stories higher. Snake comes to a stand beside him, following his line of sight for a moment before he turns back to him. “She what? ...Kaz?”

“I used to live here”, mumbles Kaz, Venom reading it from his lips before he understands, eye going wide as he looks back and pays closer attention to the yellowed shutters, the chipped dark wood dividing the two floors: The bottom one for the shop, the upper one for living. It doesn’t take much to recognize it as long abandoned, forgotten between bigger and more lucrative sites.

For the first time, he can’t quite place the emotion that flits over Kaz’s face; it’s gone too fast, replaced by a careful sort of pensiveness that Snake has dubbed his ‘interrogation face’ in his mind – one he thought they’d left behind, at least for the duration of this trip. It makes him want to hold Kaz if he can’t free him from those damned defense mechanisms deeply ingrained into his being.

And yet he _can’t_ , not in public at least. His last resort are his words and those never seem to be enough; not when they’re blocked before he can finish the sentence, coming as far as “If you need more time, we can–“ to hit the solid wall of Kaz’s dismissal, the shake of his head as final as a lock clicking shut.

“There should be a side road over there. I want to show you something else”, Kaz says and turns away.

Venom sighs quietly to himself. Then he follows.

*

Hours later finds them at the other side of the city, one half-forgotten place leading to another until Snake is utterly lost, trusting his partner to know his way – and Kaz does, tracing back the paths of his youth with an accuracy born from familiarity, only to be broken by recent changes in infrastructure: Buildings where parks used to be, roads expanded to accommodate a steadily increasing population.

Seeing where Kaz grew up and listening to him talk about his childhood is as revealing as the things left unspoken, the gaps jerky and unexpected like an old record sometimes skipping, sometimes getting stuck, unable to move on. Snake supports him where he can, gently nudging him along and away from the memories that make him tense and unresponsive to those that bring out a nostalgic twitch of lips and a rare fondness to his words.

Some of it rings a bell in Venom’s mind, his brain supplying him with information that isn’t _his_ but came from a certain tape, fed to him like everything else he needed to know in order to function, to fulfill his role as Big Boss – it’s hazy by now but still _there_. Snake ignores it to the best of his abilities, preferring Kaz’s halting words given to him in trust over the cold facts.

By now both of them are tired although Venom can only imagine the emotional toll on Kaz. He's growing quieter by the minute, miles away in his thoughts yet walking purposefully, leading them off the road and into a calmer area of the city – some kind of park, not that Snake can really focus on that now. The distant expression that has settled on Kaz’s face worries him enough that he reaches for him, wrapping his arm around his waist – after all Venom knows exactly how it feels to be trapped in your own memories and Kaz’s touch always grounds him when nothing else can. The tentative squeeze of his hand just above Kaz's hip is enough to draw his attention to the present, at least for the moment.

“C’mon, let’s head back.” He frowns, tugs at Kaz when he walks on regardless, putting more strength behind his voice. “Kaz, we still have tomorrow to see the rest. Please.”

The other blinks at the urgency in Venom’s tone, his expression losing some of its passivity. “One more, I promise. We’re almost there.”

Snake huffs. “Okay. _One_. After that I’m dragging you back if I have to.”

“ _If_ you can find your way back on your own, you mean.”

Snake glares.

Kaz rolls his eyes. “Yes, okay? Jeez.”

Snake nods, momentarily mollified. He assumes that’s going to be the end of it but Kaz proves him wrong again; shifting his weight, he presses his side to Venom’s and clears his throat.

“I want you to meet someone, actually.”

“Hmm?”

“Yeah. My mom... She’s buried over there.” A nod towards a line of trees where the gravel path disappears. “I didn’t have anywhere to put the shrine – I knew I wasn’t gonna stay – so I figured...” Kaz trails off, meeting Snake’s eye for a moment before he shrugs, years’ worth of helplessness in one simple gesture.

Venom’s arm tightens around him, his fingers a reassuring pressure at Kaz’s side. “I’d be honored, Kaz.”

The rest of the walk is spent in silence, comfortable at first but growing more tense the closer they get to the cemetery. There’s a few other visitors there, keeping to themselves for the most part – nonetheless Snake lets go of his partner with one parting touch to his lower back. There’s time for that later, away from prying eyes.

He follows Kaz through rows and rows of graves, passing by names and dates; a few he can understand, most he can’t and some are too old and faded to be deciphered at all – a collection of stories come to an end, filling Venom with a distant sadness even if their lives never touched his until this fleeting moment.

The grave they stop in front of isn’t much different from the others and made of grey stone, the edges of the engraving still sharp and clearly legible. Kaz seems to freeze for a moment – then he bows, his movements graceful, an air of careful timing and precision to it that Snake tries to copy as best as he can; when Kaz steps back, Venom does, too.

They stand that way, side-by-side and utterly silent for a long time. There’s that expression on Kaz’s face again, the tension of his jaw and around his eyes deepening the lines on his skin and this time Snake recognizes the grief held back for who knows how long. That Kaz chose to show him _this_ , a part of himself he’s kept closer to his heart than anything else – it takes trust and courage and Venom’s chest suddenly tightens with pride and _love_ so strong he blinks away tears. His hand reaches automatically for Kaz’s, gripping his trembling fingers tight; he hears Kaz take a shuddering breath, sees him nod out of the corner of his eye.

“It’s getting late. We should go”, he says and Venom agrees quietly, taking note of the hoarse quality of his partner’s voice and the subtle way he wipes his eyes, making it look like he’s merely fixing his glasses.

On their way out he returns his hand to Snake’s grip willingly, his thumb running over the scarred back of his hand; it makes him smile, more so when he leans in to kiss his temple and Kaz turns to kiss his mouth instead, their lips fitting together perfectly.

Eye closed, Venom mumbles “Thank you” against his mouth, humming into the next quick peck his partner places on his lips; he feels Kaz smile, opens his eye to see it’s sincere and so vulnerable it hurts, a door left ajar.

“No, V. Thank _you_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a lighter note: Vkaz are the masters of handholding.
> 
> A big thanks to [Owlosaurus](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlosaurus/) for posting such an inspiring chapter to her fic [One of Many](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6032416/chapters/13832857). It really got me fired up to write and y'all should read it if you haven't yet.
> 
> Only two more left. I've been dying to write the next one for WEEKS, this is gonna be good~


	6. 20th Nov 1987 (Yokosuka Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> Warning for dangerous amounts of fluff. Seriously.

The gentle patter of rain on roof tiles permeates the drowsy weightlessness firmly wrapped around Kazuhira’s senses, beckoning him towards consciousness. He’s awake but only just so, aware of the brightness of a new day waiting for him beyond closed eyelids. _It can wait a little longer_ , he decides and drifts off, close to falling asleep again–

The sound of soft snoring at his back surprises him, a vague hope fulfilled before he can speak it out loud – Kaz turns around gingerly to not dislodge the arm around his waist and smiles, his half-lidded eyes falling on Venom’s slumbering form: The duvet moves with the steady rise and fall of his chest, puffs of breath brushing against Kaz’s collarbone from his slightly opened mouth, slack like the rest of his face. His natural tan looks darker in contrast to the white sheets and Kaz’s paler skin as he lifts his hand to follow the curve of Snake’s cheek without actually touching him, unwilling to wake him up yet.

Kaz settles deeper into the covers to watch Snake sleep. It’s a sight he doesn’t get to see often, the man always up before he is... If they even sleep in the same bed at all. Keeping their relationship a secret has its downsides and in time they learned to deal with it; Kaz cherishes moments like these all the more, rare as they are.

Brow furrowing, Venom rubs his face deeper into his pillow, body shifting. Kaz hesitates for a second before he rests his palm against his jaw, fingers running over his beard, a touch as delicate as a butterfly's wing – and the other calms down again, tension bleeding out, lips moving in a silent murmur. Dreaming on.

Kaz's thumb rests over the tan line around Snake's right eye, left there from the patch he barely takes off even here, miles away from home. As for the reason, Kaz can only guess – out of habit, sense of duty or something else, some instinct to cover an easily exploited weakness – and although Venom carries it and the blind eye below with grace, there's a morbid curiosity to know how it happened that Kaz can't quite ignore, even though he leaves it unspoken. Was it from the explosion that caused the majority of his other wounds? It seems too clean a damage to stem from that, but the thought of any other explanation makes Kaz sick. _To go as far as blinding a perfectly healthy eye..._

He doubts the man himself knows; maybe even Ocelot doesn't, although he would've had access to the medical files now buried under rubble, burned to ashes like the rest of the hospital they recovered Venom from – the one Kaz wasn't allowed to know about, not that he would've recognized who really laid there in an artificially induced coma. How could he? They had told him Medic died, that he couldn't be saved after all–

How could he have known who really was stationed there, waiting to be woken up with the press of a button like you turn on a machine, to fulfill his purpose?

Kaz inhales sharply, knows he’s getting trapped in the thoughts he promised Venom and _himself_ he wouldn't give in to – then he registers the familiar scent of the man beside him, earthy and masculine and all _V_ and he exhales steadily, letting go of them with the air rushing out his lungs.

_The past doesn't matter now._

What matters is the warmth of his partner's body against his, the comforting weight of his arm fitting around his waist like it belongs there, always; the steady breathing that proves he's still alive and here, _safe._  Kaz tightens his grip on him as if he could physically ensure it stays that way and leans in, pushing his head onto Snake's pillow. His nose brushes the other's; he's close enough to count the lashes resting on his cheek, to see his own shadow reflected in the milky iris of Venom's eye when it opens with a sleepy blink.

"Mmh... Kaz?"

"Yeah, 's me", Kaz answers, clearing his throat when his voice comes out scratchy from sleep. He nuzzles closer, pressing a kiss to Snake's chin and it makes the other smile, turning his head to be able to see him, blue eye squinted against dim daylight.

He tightens his arm around Kaz until they are pressed against each other chest to chest, legs tangled. Kaz would protest the manhandling but he's too busy melting into it. His hand slides down until he feels Venom's pulse beat against his palm, soothing.

It's quiet for a while. They snooze.

"Dormiste bien?", Venom mumbles eventually, eyes drooping.

Kaz yawns, "Sì." Then: "You could make 'n effort t' speak English, y'know.”

"Por qué? 's effort. 'm tired.”

"Well, I'll start speakin' Japanese, then. Less effort, too."

Snake chuckles, nudging him lightly. "Mentira. You wouldn't."

Kaz raises an eyebrow, seriously contemplating it for a second. “I _could_... but I won't. 's half the fun when you can't understand anything.”

“Rub it in, will ya...”

“ _You_ are the one who seriously thought yesterday's shopping list sounded like–“

A hurried shush interrupts him and Kaz grins, savors the blush on Venom's face.

“I know you got a thing for food but that's a bit much even for you, don't ya think?”

"Kaz, come on", Venom's tone is close to a whine now. He scowls.

It only makes Kaz's grin wider, a quiet laugh rumbling in his chest. He shows mercy, though, giving him a peck on the lips before he makes to get up. Disentangling himself from both the covers and Venom – "Quédate, por fa", he protests and goes ignored by Kaz – he reaches for his prosthetic leg pushed under the bed. Once he's done putting it on, he stretches, giving his partner a nice view of his back and ass. He expects it when Venom reaches for him, bypassing his outstretched hand easily.

“Get up, lazy”, he tells him over his shoulder.

Venom's suffering groan follows him out the room.

*

_Flour, cabbage, eggs, water..._

He ticks ingredient after ingredient off his mental list – certain _misunderstandings_ still in the back of his mind – placing the food on the counter after he puts on the apron he found there, neatly folded. Considering the unrelenting downpour outside, Kaz hopes he hasn't forgotten anything that would warrant another trip to the grocery store – it's been more than a decade since he tried making this particular dish, more so for an audience and despite Snake liking pretty much everything he showed him, homemade Japanese cuisine is a thing of pride for him.

He's whisking the batter with a concentrated frown, the bowl moving precariously in the grip of his prosthetic hand, when he hears dull steps from the bedroom. _Snake._ Smiling, Kaz thinks of how he saw him last as he sneaked past him towards the kitchen: Sprawled across the mattress, hair a tousled mess, head buried in Kaz's pillow.

It doesn't take long for the man to appear at his side, dressed in only a cream-colored bathrobe, toweling off his wet hair. He peeks curiously into the bowl Kaz sets aside to search for a pan.

“What you cookin'?”

Kaz's answer is delayed by a few seconds; he stands on tip-toes to reach into the back of the cupboard, scoffing when it doesn't contain the wanted item.

“Okonomi– Hey!”

Goosebumps spread across his skin as wet fingers tease his lower back, revealed due to his shirt riding up. Venom laughs low in his throat, kissing his shoulder apologetically. “Okono-what?”

“You'll see when it's done”, Kaz mutters, finally finding the pan under the stove – _Why didn't I check there first?_ – putting it on the counter with slightly more force than necessary. He takes the cabbage and pushes it into Venom's hand, holding out a kitchen knife next, handle first. “Cut this, will ya? Small stripes, this thick”, he raises his hand, the distance between his fingers around half an inch, “I'll need it in a bit.”

“'kay”, Snake says, turning away–

“Wait.”

“Hmm–?” The hum turns from inquisitive to pleased as Kaz tugs him back by the cord of his robe, kissing him soundly on the lips.

“Good morning.”

Venom smiles. “Morning.”

“You okay?” Water drips from a loose strand on Venom's cheek; Kaz tucks it behind his ear, fingers lingering. “You slept pretty long...”

The other blinks in surprise, eyes softening after a moment. “Yeah, just resting is all. You?” There's traces of yesterday's worry in his expression, in that one word; the memory of Venom's quiet reassurances and constant presence during what could've been a lonely and painful reminder of the past settles something in Kaz.

“Mhm, I'm good”, he replies – and notices a moment later that he really means it, feeling completely at ease for the first time in... Too long. He can't remember. They stand there looking at each other for one timeless instant–

Then Kaz pats Venom's cheek, nodding towards the items in his hand.

“Thanks for the help, doc.”

The old nickname rolls off his tongue effortlessly, eliciting a chuckle from Snake.

“No problem, Kaz.”

*

It takes one shared look out the window to decide they're not going out today. They find themselves slowly but surely migrating back to bed instead, never more than a few feet apart as they each get their respective books out, too full from their meal to do or even think anything too strenuous.

The rain merely provides a calming soundtrack now, making their lazy sprawl all the more comfortable: Venom sits cross-legged and propped up against the wall, book in his lap while Kaz settles in at his side, leaning his back on the other's shoulder, deeply engrossed in his collection of Japanese myths. Most of them he already knows, some of them he remembers differently – and some are described in a way that makes him seriously doubt they exist, rereading them with a frown.

“What is it?”, Snake mumbles, causing Kaz to look up.

“Hm?”

“You're huffing. Why?”

“Oh”, Kaz lifts up his book, tapping his finger over the offensive passage. He gives the other a minute to read the English translation printed beside the Japanese original. “They're citing the Kojiki for this one, but I'm pretty sure it's from the Nihonshoki. A stupid mistake, honestly.”

“Amaterasu plays a part in both, right? Maybe they just mixed them up. It happens, Kaz.”

Kaz's frown deepens. “It's careless.”

Venom sighs in defeat. “Why do you even read those if you know it better anyways?”

“To feel superior, mostly”, Kaz jokes, grinning at Snake's deadpan expression. Then he shrugs. “It never hurts to stay up to date. Reading it mostly for the editor's comments, anyways. By the way, I found one you'll like... Gimme a second...”

He feels Snake's curious gaze on him as he bookmarks the page he is on and leafs through the book, finding the entry he's looking for quickly. Kaz sits up a bit, turning towards his partner so he can read along; Snake wraps his arm around his shoulders casually, eye locked on the pages in front of them:

“ _At midnight, when nobody is around, this is when we will make our secret pact._

_'In the heavens, we vow to be as two birds flying wingtip to wingtip,_

_On earth, we vow to be as two intertwined branches of a tree.'_

_Even the heaven and earth have their ending times,_

_The regret of our parting will last forever and never end.”_

Kaz hums when he finishes, setting aside the book without leaning too far out of their embrace. “It's only a short paragraph of a longer song but the story goes that star-crossed lovers turned into birds with one wing and one eye each, enabling them to fly together in death.”

“Birds, huh?” Venom says, slightly muffled as he nuzzles Kaz's temple. “Like the ones on the omamoris...”

“Well, not exactly like those but–“

His heart skips a beat and he freezes, falling silent instantly. Venom's laugh is quiet, tickling the stubble on Kaz's jaw. “And the cranes? What were those about again? I can't remember, it's so long ago...”

“I don't know what you're talking about”, Kaz mumbles stubbornly, hating the way heat rises to his face automatically – and how he can't quite resist tilting his head to the side when his partner kisses his neck softly.

“Thought I wouldn't find out eventually, hmm? That birds are a symbol for–”

The rest of the sentence is lost, cut short by the kiss Kaz presses against his lips; Venom surrenders to it easily enough, eyes closing – his mouth tastes like okonomiyaki and underneath that something unique to him and both spells out _home_ in Kaz's mind, calming his nerves. He eases up a little, shifting until he's flush against his partner's chest, arm wrapped around his neck.

“What were we talking about?” Snake blinks dazedly, humoring him and Kaz laughs, kissing him on the nose.

“Good to know my diversion tactics still work just fine.” Then he sighs, giving up the pretense. His expression turns sheepish, gaze falling to his own fingers gripping the well-worn fabric of Venom's shirt. “When did you look that up? About the birds?”

“Didn't need to”, Venom smiles, a gentle touch to Kaz's chin making him look up again. There's only warmth in both his eyes; the teasing tone is gone from his voice, leaving only sincerity in its place. “I know you, Kaz. There's only one thing you get nervous about... Wasn't much of a connection to make.”

There's a moment of unease at the thought that Snake can read him so well but Kaz squashes it before it can take root. _If there's one person..._

"Not too subtle, am I?”, he mumbles, leans in for another kiss – it's shorter, little more than a chaste peck but it feels like a moment to rest after a long day. Sweet, sweet relief.

Venom leaves the question unanswered, drawing him closer wordlessly. Soon it's forgotten between one kiss and the next.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaz is sneaky but Venom is sneakier...
> 
> The song referenced in this is called [Song of Everlasting Regret](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Translation:Song_of_Everlasting_Regret). It's of Chinese origin and describes the relationship between Emperor Xuanzong of Tang with his concubine Yang Guifei around the year 755. Out of it comes the Japanese term 比翼の鳥 ( _hiyoku no tori_ ), which describes the mentioned birds but also (happily married) couples. TL;DR: Kaz is trash (again).
> 
> And yes, this is what I was so excited about. Domestic fluff. My one true love.
> 
> Almost forgot, here are the spanish translations:
> 
> Dormiste bien? - Did you sleep well?
> 
> Sì. - Yes.
> 
> Por qué? - Why?
> 
> mentira - lie
> 
> Quédate, por fa(vor). - Stay, please.


	7. 21st Nov 1987 (Akihabara/Tokyo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.

“How do I look?”

Kaz looks up from the clothes rack he's browsing, tilting his head down to give him a scrutinizing glance over the rim of his aviators. Venom turns slowly, showing off the deep blue yukata he picked. The appreciation in Kaz's eyes tells him he tied it correctly, much to Snake's relief.

"Good", he says, stepping up to Venom's back to flatten the fabric against his skin, brushing over his shoulder in a touch one part helpful, two parts comforting. "Why blue?"

Snake leans into it and shrugs, meeting Kaz's gaze via the full-length mirror in the fitting room. "Someone once told me blue suits me."

"Is that so?"

Between the both of them, Kaz is the one with a sense for fashion even if his tastes tend to be expensive. The only luxury he allows himself – and one he extends to Snake, if the occasion arises. Kaz is clearly pleased with his choice, running his hand down the soft cotton to tug at the grey obi around his waist, checking the fit. Again, no comment: Venom did well.

"Mhm. You should get one, too. For the onsen at home."

That startles a laugh out of Kaz, light and genuine. He swats the back of Snake's head. "'Onsen at home'? So it's decided now?"

"Yes…?" Venom leaves a margin for any real protest, one Kaz ignores in favor of returning to the offered variety of yukatas – after pinching Snake's ass and muttering "Handsome" in his ear. His expression shows nothing but professional interest in the clothing he picks through.

Snake shakes his head, smiling to himself as he closes the door to the fitting room.

*

The sun is drooping lower by the time they make their way back to the hotel, various bags hanging from their wrists filled with souvenirs for both themselves and for some of the Diamond Dogs. The shops in Tokyo have a lot to offer, more than Snake could properly explore in one afternoon but it's enough to get the gist of it: Beside paraphernalia ranging from traditional clothing and tableware to particular household appliances and figurines, the advanced technology is what impressed him most. It took him considerable effort to tear himself away from the high-class lenses and filters for his camera – they'd only get damaged eventually – and he spent a while watching the muted commercials for current movies and videogames in a detached sort of fascination. By the time he'd turned around, Kaz had wandered off a few shelves further, examining an assortment of VHS tapes that, upon closer inspection, turned out to be–

"They are _not_ cartoons." Kaz levels him with a glare, guessing Venom's thoughts as they pass by a poster depicting a motorcycle and a man drawn in detail, splashes of red on a neutral grey ground. _AKIRA_ is printed below in bold, black letters. "Unlike in America, animation has a broad target audience here, from kids to adults. _That_ “, a gesture to the poster, “is not something you'd want to show your kids... not that they wouldn't find a way to watch it anyways.“

"Sounds like you have experience with that", Venom comments. The lazy smirk on Kaz's lips tells him everything he needs to know.

"I might've, once or twice."

"Tss, tss, always breaking the rules…"

"Oh shut up, everyone did it. Was surprisingly easy, too –  _Hakujaden_ , _Sh_ _ō_ _nen Sarutobi Sasuke_ , I saw them all. Big silver screen, no charge." Kaz sighs, nostalgic. "Finally got access to a TV in '68, courtesy of JSDF. I shared it with the rest of my unit and I swear, reruns of _Tetsuwan Atomu_ bound us together tighter than any team building exercise could. Still felt a little guilty, though. Old habits die hard and all that."

"'Atomu'?" Snake tries to copy Kaz's pronunciation of the word. "Like radiation? Kind of a heavy subject, isn't it?"

"Ah, no, it was more about robots and fighting. You know, adult stuff."

Venom snorts. "Yeah, right. Very mature." The stray thought of Sahelanthropus makes him pause. _Robots and fighting._ "Wait…"

Kaz hums, coming to the same conclusion. "See? Life imitates art. Maybe I should've paid more attention."

*

“So, this Tetsuwan guy. He's a robot?”

“Yup.”

“A replacement for the dead son, right?”

“Yeah.”

“His father is a piece of shit.”

“Pretty much.”

Paper rustles as Venom turns the page.

“Oh. Rocket legs.”

“Uh huh.”

“Laser eyes, too?”

“No, they're just flashlights.”

“Huh.”

He falls silent for the next few pages, concentrating on piecing together the plot by the pictures alone. The extensive Japanese dialogue is lost on him.

“That is one talented dog.”

“Dog... Oh, you mean Pero? Yeah.”

Another bout of silence. Venom frowns.

“Is it me or are they kidnapping him?”

“Uh...”

“Pero's definitely unconscious now–“

“Hey, V? I changed my mind, I do need help.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, sure.” Venom blinks, readily setting the manga aside when Kaz points at the pile of clothes and other belongings on the bed in front of him. Half of it has already found its way into his dufflebag, neatly placed for maximum capacity.

Kaz shuffles aside wordlessly, leaving the folding to Snake while he takes care of making the souvenirs fit. Snake's bag is already packed full with their bulkier things, squeezing in both Kaz's yukata – dark grey with a subtle print of simplistic little waves contrasted by a plain blue obi – and his own.

They work quietly alongside each other for a while, Snake handing him piece after piece of folded clothing until he runs out. Instead of returning to his earlier position – stretched out on the other side of the bed, manga in hand – he sits, taking turns between watching Kaz and looking at the ceiling. With nothing else to do, Snake's thoughts turn to their trip. It's unreal to him that it's already been a week, time passing in uneven chunks – some moments there and gone with a blink, some seemingly infinite – but passing nonetheless.

The last day sneaked up on him, yesterday's laziness interrupted by the hasty train ride from Yokosuka to Tokyo, replaced by last-minute errands and the sobering reality that it's over. They're leaving. Stepping out of the bubble they have created for themselves, untouched by the endless workings of war and violence. Free from the invisible strings of power keeping them in place, from the roles assigned to them.

For the first – _and only_ , a voice hisses in his mind – time, they existed as just Kaz and V, nothing more, nothing less. Sleeping in one bed, cooking and showering together; walking hand in hand, telling stories, laughing; the simple gift of sharing both old and new experiences. In a country he's never been to, among people he's never met, Venom felt normal. No recruits following his every step, soaking up his every action in awed devotion; no missions and long chopper rides, being torn between his duty and his home and ending up neither here nor there, not a person as much as a symbol, a wildcard for someone else.

And Kaz, he's happy here. Snake looks at him and sees a different man, one unburdened by a lifetime of pain and loss. One who admits to his passions, who isn't afraid to reach out to him even if just to point out a detail Venom missed. He'd gladly listen to retellings of long-gone battles and obscure historical facts for the rest of his life if it means keeping that open smile, that laugh that's finally more than a short huff of breath. _Beautiful_ , Venom thinks, watching Kaz pack his bag, humming off-key under his breath. _I love you_ , he thinks, meeting Kaz's eyes when he glances up.

They cloud with worry. “V?” Kaz comes closer before Snake can wave away his sudden change in mood, tilting his head up. His fingers are warm, a gentle pressure under his chin. No place to hide.

“What's with the sad look?”

Venom reaches for Kaz, his hand on the crook of his elbow. Returning the touch, not pulling away. He sighs.

“We're leaving.”

Kaz's gaze softens. He exhales slowly, nodding after a second. “Yeah.” Venom feels worse now that his sadness is reflected on Kaz's face, an unhappy noise trapped in his throat, threatening to escape. When Snake tugs him closer, Kaz follows, leaning over him, his knee sinking into the mattress.

They kiss, lips coming together softly and intimately; Venom breathes, closes his eyes and pushes harder, pulls Kaz into his arms, wraps them around his waist and he holds him, breaking the kiss when it feels like his heart is about to shatter.

“I don't want to go”, he whispers in Kaz's ear, pressing his forehead against his temple where Kaz's pulse throbs, steadily keeping time. Venom's reason to be, right here in his arms. His light in the dark, bound to dim once they return.

“I want to stay here, with you.”

Kaz shudders, curls into the embrace. “Me too”, he breathes, squeezing Snake with enough force that his back pops. Then he inhales deeply like he's steeling himself.

Venom knows Kaz. _W_ e _have no other choice, V_ , he'll say, _we'll figure something out_ and he knows he'll be right and yet, he's not ready to let this go–

“I love you”, is what Kaz says instead, whisper-soft against Venom's hair. “I love you”, he repeats, kissing his forehead, right below the shrapnel in his head and again, “I love you”, against his lips and it's by that third time that Venom grasps what Kaz is saying. He leans back, wide-eyed, searching almost desperately for the truth in Kaz's expression and it's all there, just for him.

Suddenly Venom can breathe again, a quiet doubt he's known for years lifted from his heart; it's not a conscious choice, more a necessity to draw Kaz into another kiss and this time, it tastes like Kaz's smile, like his laughter that Venom loves so much and he smiles, too, so wide it's hard to keep going.

“Say it again”, he mutters, barely letting Kaz get past the first word before he interrupts him, swallowing the rest with eager lips. They're both panting when they part, foreheads touching, breathing the same air.

Venom brushes his nose against Kaz's, “Thank you”, he says, his brain too high on endorphins to mind his own awkward words.

“Kept you waiting, huh?” Kaz chuckles, gasping when Venom pinches his side. _Very funny_. “Alright, alright, no jokes. I _am_ sorry, though. Took me a while but... you deserve to hear it.”

A low hum. “Was worth the wait. I love you, too.”

“I know.”

Kaz sighs, nudges him. A reminder: _Time to go._ Before he gets up, he touches his chin again, rubbing his thumb over Venom's lips. “Whatever happens, we'll always have this. Okay? I'm with you, whichever way you decide to go.”

Snake lies his hand over Kaz's, interlacing their fingers. He kisses his palm. “We, Kaz. We'll decide, together. For the future, remember?”

“Yeah.” Kaz smiles. “For the future.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering, the souvenirs are:  
> \- fluffy cat ears for Ocelot, special leopard print and everything  
> \- a book full of illustrations by Yayoi Kusama for Quiet (she likes art)  
> \- a bottle of Kirin (Japanese beer) for Pequod  
> \- upgrades for the arcade for the recruits (featuring one specific stealth game that came out that year...)  
> Also dog toys for DD and Kinako, a small arsenal of manga/anime for Kaz and a bunch of sweets for V. Don't ask me how they fit all that into their bags, I don't know and I don't care.
> 
> This was by far one of the most fun to write ^3^ I've been working up to this for a long, long time. Now that it's over though, there's only one part of the series to go - I can't promise when I'll start working on it (uni's got me by the balls atm), so keep an eye on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/kawaiibooker) and [tumblr](http://kawaiibooker.tumblr.com/) for updates!!
> 
> Thanks for readin', see you in the next one c:


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